When I provide value or educate, people assume I’m pretending to be helpful -- in order to sell. Now I know why. They see my helpful message as insincere, having an ulterior motive. They instinctively think, “Your offer to enlighten and help me is a trick to serve you.” That’s why people respond, “not interested," or "we're all set” or ignore me. Even when they DO need help!
I am aware & ready to change how I communicate.
People are defensive; on the lookout for certain words because of previous negative experiences them. They hear what they are listening for -- not what I’m saying. On email, social media. Everywhere. People skim & filter. Then, assume my intent. They hear (only) the parts which confirm negative assumptions. People hear what they are listening for -- not what I’m saying.
I appreciate why and will change how I speak.
I will change my own thinking and behavior first -- before expecting others to change theirs. I will abandon conventional persuasion techniques. I know these push people away. Instead, I will learn and practice ways to facilitate conversations in a less selfish manner. This will help me present as having equal status -- not above nor subservient to them.
I will reinvent how I think about communicating.
Then, I'll start practicing.
"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act but a habit.”
– Aristotle
I am ready to help others get past their comfortable beliefs and make the change they need and deserve. To do this, I will communicate in ways that don't negatively trigger them. Instead, I will foster curiosity among those primed to be curious. I will seek conversations about ideas rather than meetings about solutions. I will make myself vulnerable to rejection. I will avoid asking questions which seek answers I benefit from. I will facilitate introspection using Facilitative Questions.
I will provoke curiosity as a first step.
I understand how need is the source of my inability to earn conversations. I will be energetic and hopeful without feeling out of control or desperate. I will reflect detachment in how I communicate. This will help me draw them closer -- pull, rather than push. I will practice non-hunger and “principled disinterest.”
I will distinguish between desiring and needing.
What I sell is not for everyone, all the time. That’s why I will develop better listening skills -- to identify these moments and facilitate rejection when appropriate. I will advance conversations only with mutual best interest in mind. Rather than persuading I will present choices, and opportunities to reflect on the status quo.
I will not coerce those who don't want what I’m suggesting.
I will be constantly self-aware of unconscious word choices and persuasive patterns. I will focus daily on strengthening my communication skills in various scenarios. I will always be thinking of the underlying meaning behind words. I will practice being brief, blunt and avoid talking about myself or the solution. I will avoid presuming the other side has problems to be fixed. I will encourage people most inclined to ask for help -- rather than offering help to the masses. I’ll do this because I know people value more what they ask for, less what I freely offer. That’s why I commit to sparking their curiosity -- provoking them to ask for clarity.
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