When I offer help, provide value or educate, people assume I’m pretending to be helpful -- in order to sell. Now I know why. They see my helpful message as insincere, having an ulterior motive. They automatically think, “Your offer to enlighten and help me is a trick to serve you.” That’s why people respond, “I don’t need help” or ignore me -- even when they need or are open to my help. This response is caused by their experience with words which condescend, are insincere or both. Now I can address this challenge.
Because of previous negative experiences with certain words, people are on the lookout for them. They hear what they are listening for -- not what I’m saying. They filter. On email, social media. Everywhere. They skim. Then, assume my intent. Then, they hear (only) the parts which confirm those negative assumptions. Everything else gets lost. People hear what they are listening for -- not what I’m saying. I now understand why and will address it.
I will change my own thinking and behavior first -- before expecting others to change theirs. I will reinvent how I think about communicating. I will abandon conventional persuasion techniques. I know these only push people away. Instead, I will learn and practice ways to spark curiosity and facilitate conversations in a neutral, less selfish manner. This will help me present to others as having equal status -- not above nor subservient to them.
I am ready to help others get past their comfortable, instinctual beliefs and make the change they need and deserve. To do this, I will consistently communicate in ways that don't negatively trigger them. Instead, I will foster curiosity among those primed to be curious. I will seek conversations about ideas rather than meetings about solutions. I will make myself vulnerable to rejection. I will avoid asking questions which seek answers I benefit from and, instead, facilitate introspection using Facilitative Questions.
I understand how my needs are the source of my inability to earn conversations. I dedicate my energy to distinguish between desiring and needing. I will be energetic and hopeful without feeling out of control or desperate. This detachment will reflect in how I communicate with others and help me draw them closer -- pull, rather than push. I will practice non-hunger and “principled disinterest.” I will not educate nor provide value without being invited.
What I sell is not for everyone, all the time. That’s why I will develop better listening skills -- to identify these moments and facilitate rejection when appropriate. I will advance conversations only with mutual best interest in mind. Rather than persuading others I will present choices, and opportunities to reflect on the status quo, to them. There is no sense in coercing someone who doesn’t want what I’m suggesting!
I will become more self-aware; specifically of unconscious “word choices” I’m making and continually focus on strengthening my communication skills in various situations. I will be more aware of the underlying meaning behind my words. I will practice being brief, blunt and avoid talking about myself/the solution. I will avoid presuming the other side has problems to be fixed. I will encourage people most inclined to ask for help -- rather than offering help to the masses. I’ll do this because I know people value more what they ask for, less what I freely offer. That’s why I commit to sparking their curiosity -- provoking them to ask for clarity.
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